I’m lucky I’m married. I locked that sucker in before he realized just how embarrassing I am. I try, you guys. I do. I desperately want to be one of those smooth, sexy girls that can move through life coolly and without flaw. Instead, I am clumsy and awkward and absent-minded.  Just a handful of mortifying examples off the top of my head:

• Early in our dating relationship, I gave my crush (and now-husband) a bite of my pancakes at a late-night diner. The ‘cakes made it into his mouth, but not without me first dripping syrup all over his crotch.
• After filling my car up with gas on the way to work one morning, I failed to replace the pump back to its gas tank home. Instead, I drove away with it sticking out of my vehicle. It wasn’t until I arrived to work that my very entertained boss gave me a heads up as to my cluelessness.
• While donning a pair of sexy heels, I strutted around a hotel bar area before attempting to cautiously descend the stairs. I stumbled down them with my knight in shining armor by my side who caught me before I fell right down the entire staircase.
• My boyfriend (now-baby daddy) thoughtfully bought me rollerblades for my birthday one year. Immediately, we went out for some exercise. Within a few minutes, my guy was watching from the bottom of the hill as I came barreling down before dropping to my butt as my skin scraped across the concrete.
• During a tornado warning, my friends and I quickly made our way to the basement. I tripped over my own feet and literally rolled all the way to the bottom before looking up to find my friends laughing from the top of the stairs.
• One time I met a local news anchor at an event and upon recognizing where I knew him from, flailed my arms in excitement causing his plate of food to fly up onto his solid white shirt right before he had to make an appearance on stage.

Truly, I say, I’m very fortunate to be married. It’s a wonder how I landed the man that I did. But, by golly, I did it. I thank my lucky stars that I’m not out in the world trying to impress someone, because that seems like an impossible feat.